Today I am sad. Not just sad, but devastated really. Why am I devastated? Because today is the day that I have dreaded for almost twenty years. Today is the day that I realized once and for all that I am not the center of my Daughter Amanda’s world.
I have known that the day would come for a long time, but I have been spoiled for so long that it really takes a lot of getting used to. You see, Amanda and I have been unusually close her entire life. I was only twenty-two when she was born and we were always together when she was growing up.
Susan (Amanda’s Mom) traveled a lot with her job so naturally I ended up being the one at home most of the time. We spend every day and every night hanging out or goofing off.
When I separated from Susan and moved from Gadsden to Birmingham, that didn’t stop me from seeing Amanda. I drove to Gadsden a few times a week back when I first moved and I always went to see her. She was in the band and several clubs so any time there was an event, I was there (with the exception of a few scattered events).
She also stayed with me every weekend since she was thirteen until she was seventeen. She gave up weekends with her friends to be with her Daddy. Like I said, we are close.
When Amanda decided to pick a college, she chose Samford, which is less than ten miles from my house. I have been able to see her at least once a week for her entire freshman year. We hang out with her boyfriend Jason and Emily and go laces and nothing much has changed.
Until now. Amanda has decided to change schools and move closer to home and all of her friends and family. It is probably a good choice for her, but the realization has set in for me that now I will see much less of her than I wish.
In this crazy life I have lived since getting divorced from Susan, only two things have been constant; constant change and Amanda. In a lot of ways, having her so near has grounded me in reality. She is a part of my past life in Gadsden and I link to a happier time.
And now she is leaving.
I am happy for her having a boyfriend if that is what makes her happy. I am happy she is going to college and getting an education. I am happy that she has finally decided to start making her own choices and is technically “growing up”. But that doesn’t mean I have no reservations.
Life is changing for me now that she is beginning a new phase of life. I find that I have a lot more time alone, and for me that is terror. I haven’t felt so disconnected since I was a teen. I guess every Father feels this when their child leaves home for good. I just wish I had more time.
But that is something I have very little of. Amanda is grown and must move on to the next phase of adulthood. It’s the way I know it has to be. It’s the plight of a loving Father; you kids grow up too quickly and sooner or later, they begin a life of their own.